Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I Blew It!

I feel somewhat like Peter must have felt when he heard that rooster crow. No, I did not deny Christ three times but I caved in to my fear, doubt and disappointments. I agreed with my enemy that God's heart toward me is not good and now I feel like a traitor. With a voice of blame, I hurled accusations at God for not doing what He said He would do (because He has not done it in my time frame). I have cried. I have repented. Though I know good and well that I have been forgiven, I still feel horrible! In Luke's account of Peter's denial of Christ, chapter 22, verse 61-62 says, "The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly."

That first sentence is all it takes: "The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter." Hours after my meltdown the other day, I felt led to pick up the Oswald Chamber book, "My Utmost For His Highest." The devotion for that day started with this sentence: "Whenever a thing becomes difficult in personal experience, we are in danger of blaming God, but it is we who are in the wrong, not God, there is some perversity somewhere that we will not let go." It was as if the Lord was looking straight at me! My response was to immediately start looking back over what had transpired that day and asking God to walk me through and show me what specifically I needed to deal with. The first area for work is pride. That is a little broad, so I have been trying to really hear the voice of God for specifics. It is a humbling experience to come face to face with your sin. We don't really like to talk about sin these days, but it is what it is! Jesus gave His very life that we might be freed from it's clutches. Knowing I willingly chose to throw blame His way breaks my heart, and it should. I want to feel it in my marrow. I do not want to forget how bad it feels. I want to remember, so that I will not likely repeat it.

In the midst of my sorrow, God came again to whisper to my heart, words of comfort. The first from Proverbs 3:11, "My daughter (son), do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves as a father, the daughter (son) he delights in." The second in Hebrews 12:5b-6, "My daughter (son), do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a daughter (son)." Now, I need it to be clear that I did not go looking for those verses. God literally, led me to them. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it.

My tendency has always been to give up if I blow it. Not anymore. I have too deep a relationship with my Father to give up now. He has walked with me and talked with me so intimately, that I dare not give up this good fight of faith. It is definitely a fight, but one worth fighting. Peter sorrowed over his denial of Christ, but he did not quit. In John 21:15-17, we find the conversation when Jesus asked Peter three times, "Simon, son of John, do you truly love me?" Each time Peter responded, "Yes, Lord, You know that I love you." After each postive response Jesus told him to "Feed my lambs, take care of my sheep and the third time, Feed my sheep." Peter did just that. In Acts chapter 2, we can read the account of Peter addressing the crowd at Pentecost after the Holy Spirit had come.

I am not sure what is ahead for me, but I know that God has spoken some promises to my heart. He will do exactly what He has said He will do. In His time and in His way. My prayer is that I will be mindful of my own tendency to doubt and lean all the closer to my Savior's side as I walk this difficult path. Deliverence is on it's way. He told me so!

Friday, November 27, 2009


I have so much on my mind and no one to talk to. So, here I am "talking" on my blog. To myself. Oh well! Sometimes just talking things out is therapeutic. I wrote a quote down one time that said, "Just because a message is not received, does not mean that it is not worth sending." I guess I am sending myself a message. I hope I get it!

Suffering is what is on my mind these days. When someone asks, "How are you doing?" Typically, I say, "Fine. Thank you, and how are you?" Then I think to myself, well that was not exactly truthful. However, who wants to hear, "Well, I am not really doing that well. My life is full of difficulties and I am sad." As soon as you answer like that, truthful though it may be, most people remember at that moment that they have something very important to do! I wonder if when I make it through this tough patch in life, I will be more patient and willing to listen to others who are suffering or if I will also be too busy. I wonder if I will notice when someone is just filling in their pain with, "I'm fine, thank you." At this point, only time will tell.

For now, this is what I know. I have always been afraid of suffering. In a way I have tried to run from it. I have tried to be a "good" girl, thinking that somehow if I was good that God would spare me from suffering. I cannot really explain where I got that idea, but there is still some very faulty teaching out there that leads people to believe that to be true. That is not what the Bible teaches at all (and I am talking about the whole counsel of the Bible, not just a verse or two taken out of context.) The reality is it rains on all of us (the just and the unjust). The difference is how it affects our lives. Now, more than ever I am realizing the presence of my God in ways that I never would have know were it not for the suffering. His Word has become increasingly dear and necessary to my heart. Is He a crutch? You can call it what you want. I know that He is my very Source for life. See, without Him the suffering makes no sense. In His hands, it becomes something beautiful. The enemy wants to destroy us through suffering and worse he wants to destroy our trust in God. It is easy to see how that is possible in the middle of suffering, unless you refuse to listen to the enemy and choose to trust God. Especially when that is the last thing you feel like doing. There are moments He could not feel more distant, that is when I know He is closest. So, I am learning not to trust my feelings. They are important and I will not ignore them, but they will not rule my heart. God proved His love for me once for all time when He sent Jesus. There could be no greater love. The kind of love that waits and even allows more suffering so that more can be gathered into His kingdom and heart. Even though He waits and suffering continues and sometimes seems unbearable, the day is coming when He will return to make it all right. So much so that we will consider the suffering of this life to be nothing. That is hard to imagine in the here and now, but God said it and He "is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?" (Numbers 23:19)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Song of my Heart

As I sit here trying to type, I am listening to Mandisa sing "Broken Hallelujah". It is (right now), the song of my heart........ Here are the lyrics:

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
Oh Lord hear my heart
In this painful place


I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

Precious Lord,
You have broken my heart and it is Yours to break. You see, even though I do not understand all that You are doing, I know that You alone are God. So, I lift to You my broken hallelujah and thank You that You pick up all the pieces and turn them into something beauitful.

Friday, October 16, 2009


Recently, my oldest child and only son, turned 13. My first teenager! I find this a worthy occasion to reflect! I remember well finding out I was expecting my first child. I was nervous and excited! Also, I remember when he arrived. I had been in labor for over 23 hours when it was determined that he was going to arrive via C-section. At that point, I was exhausted and just ready for the whole thing to be over!

I remember tears of joy upon learning that our son had arrived safely! Then I promptly fell asleep to awaken in a small recovery area some time later. It took us a few days to actually decide what to name our bundle of joy! Josiah Benjamin Ferenczy has blessed us in so many ways. He has a huge responsibility as the oldest child and big brother to three girls! I try to remind him often that God knew he was just the guy for the job, otherwise He wouldn't have done that to him! : )

Thirteen years have flown by, but I remember those early days thinking, surely someone is going to show up to get him because I do not know how to do this mothering thing. Unfortunately, as the first child, he got the brunt of my inexperience as a parent, but all of the love as well. I can only pray that when all is said and done the love will outweigh all of the mistakes I have made or will make.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Chronicles of Narnia

Last year, my husband and I read "The Chronicles of Narnia" to our children. I had never read the series myself, but have to admit, I enjoyed it as much (if not more than) the kids! One of the things I experienced as we read the series was a greater appreciation and even a deeper understanding of my God. I recently read a book called "The Heart of The Chronicles of Narnia: Knowing God Here By Finding Him There," by Thomas Williams. It was a fun read, as the author highlighted and dug into some of my favorite aspects of the original series, also pointing out how we can experience some deeper truths by allowing ourselves to delve into this magical land of Narnia.

For anyone who has never read the books, I highly recommend that you do. It will be well worth your time investment. If you've read them before, maybe as a child, I would recommend you read them again. The main reason I brought it up is a quote I want to share from the end of Williams' book, a thought provoking question:

"Unlike the Narnians, who can see, hear, and touch Aslan, we no longer have Jesus in tangible form. But in these stories Lewis shows us the first step in learning to love Christ. We can see the boundless scope of his love in his gifts. Thay's why Narnia is filled with the delights of creation. Everything God made is for our delight and joy. In the Chronicles Lewis holds this truth up to our face so we can't possibly miss it. Rather than asking the tired old question, "Why is there so much evil in the world?" Narnia forces us to answer another question: "Why is there so much good in the world?" We can account for evil in the fact of our free will and the fall. But if there is no God, how can we account for all the beauty, wonder, love, joy, and delight in the world?"

Friday, September 18, 2009


The Lord seems to speak to me the loudest through repetition! It thrills me that God leads us so lovingly exactly where we need to go! It happens in such a beautiful way that if we are not paying attention we can miss it and write it off as coincidence! Example; you are reading your Bible and your eyes land on a certain Scripture. Then later that day you are driving somewhere and you hear the same Scripture on the Christian radio station. The following day, the pastor mentions it in his sermon. You get the idea. Sometimes, the Spirit speaks to us through music, or nature, or a loved one. The bottom line is, He is there and He cares so much about us, if we will tune in to Him and learn to listen, He is speaking to us, Words of life. The most recent theme that God has been leading me to is JOY!

Having grown up in the church, I heard often that joy and happiness are two very different things. Circumstances can greatly affect our happiness, but true joy is not based on what is or is not happening in our lives. So, what is the secret to having joy? I know what I think it is, but how about you? What do you think is the secret to joy?

Watch the video, visit Brian Bates' website and read his story about the song. I'd love to hear what you think about joy! I pray that your joy will be full and that regardless of your circumstances, you will dance!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Determined Faith

I wonder how many people will receive a diagnosis of Alzheimer's or some other disease today? There are probably statistics out there somewhere, but I have not taken the time to look it up. I remember when my husband was told that his father had Alzheimer's. Shortly after that, I heard that my father had been diagnosed with it also. I decided then (actually I felt compelled) that I should do a little research since it was obviously going to be something to affect our lives. I checked out several books from the library and looked at websites online. Reading about any disease is difficult. However, it is helpful to gain a greater understanding of what you are dealing with. I am thankful today that I took time to do that and realize once again, that God had prepared me in advance for what was coming.

Not only does my father have dementia, but my mother was diagnosed with it as well. Both of my parents came to live with us almost two and a half years ago. Living up close and personal to this disease has been one of the most difficult things I have done in my almost 45 years of living. It is one thing to talk with people about dementia, another to read about it, but entirely different to live with it 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. As simply as I can say it, I have run out of steam... but still my Savior steps in. This has also been a huge test of my faith, but I am planning to pass the test!

Doubt is a huge factor when you have to deal with things like disease, disappointment and death. This is where the "rubber meets the road" concerning our faith. These are the things that either make our faith or destroy it! We either stand in the midst of heartbreak and loss to say, like Job, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" (Job 2:10b), and "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15a). Or, like the rich man , we walk away, convinced that we cannot possibly deal with such great loss (Matthew 19:22).

The amazing thing is that God has given us the freedom to choose. Walk with Him or walk away. Give in to the enemy and all he brings or allow God to be God and be amazed at all He brings! He never told us that we would go through this life free of sorrow and pain. On the contrary, He told us that we would certainly suffer, but that through it all He would be with us and I don't mean as just a bystander. With Him, we are more than conquerors. With Christ I am more than I could ever be without Him. So, as we continue to do our best to deal with the difficult things that life brings, let us do so with strong determination and resolve to walk with Him, holding His hand, or at the very least, clinging to the hem of His robe!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Scripture Memorization

I had almost forgotten how important it is to memorize Scripture.

On December 28th, 2008, I was reading the Living Proof Ministries (Beth Moore's) blog and she invited her readers (Siestas) to join her in a year of Scripture Memorization. She said she wanted to have a Jesus year and couldn't think of a better way to do it. As soon as I read this invitation I knew it was something I needed and more importantly wanted to do. Joining other women across the country in memorizing Scripture has been very interesting and has offered an accountability factor to encourage me in this endeavor. The goal was (and is) to choose a Scripture to memorize on the 1st and 15th of each month. I am on track and it truly has been a blessing.

This has been a difficult year in my life, so the Scripture memorization has been that much more valuable. It is amazing what a verse can do to remind you of what God has placed on your heart, or a promise He has given. Recently, I found myself at a very low point emotionally and didn't even know how to pray, so I just started quoting the Scriptures I've learned so far this year. I didn't have to get a Bible out because it was right there in my mind. The power of God's Word truly is amazing. When we read in Hebrews 4:12 that "the word of God is living and active," we can not only believe it, but experience it. Quoting the Scripture didn't change my circumstances but it changed me.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Compassionate Messiah

We have been homeschooling our children for the past two years. Choosing to do so was a step my husband and I took out of obedience to God's prompting. It is not something we believe everyone is suppose to do. So, this is not some kind of plug for homeshcooling as much as it is a story about our Good Shepherd.

Just before school started that first year, my sister-in-law Sue, gave me a gift to hang on my wall. It is an antique looking needlepoint that simply says, "The Lord is my Shepherd." She hoped it would be an encouragement to me as I tried to shepherd my children at home (thank you again, Sue). It is a gentle reminder that the Lord is ultimately, the One doing the Shepherding. As I submit myself to His leadership, I become a better leader.

Yesterday, this simple phrase took on a whole new meaning to me. I was cleaning out last years school books, to make room for the new ones. I picked up my sons Creative Writing book and was flipping through the pages and ran across a picture very similar to the one I posted here. Beside it was an assignment, "Writing about an Emotion." The directions were to look at the picture, write down the feelings and thoughts that the picture brings to your mind and then write a paragraph or poem in your journal. The following is what my 12 year-old son wrote:

Jesus holding a lamb in his arms. The Compassionate Messiah

What I think of when I look at this picture is a peaceful man who cares about others first. I think of love and compassion. It is a picture of caring arms holding a spotless lamb. The lamb looks like it's full of joy and happiness. There is tenderness in the grasp of the man that nothing else can compare to. This Good Shepherd is God, the maker of this universe. He looks out and cares for people, even if they were murderers.
- Josiah Ferenczy

Enough said.

Friday, August 7, 2009


After reading the Living Proof Ministries blogspot yesterday, I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about dreams. You know, life dreams, not necessarily sleep-time dreams. Although, they can converge. One example that comes to mind is Joseph. You remember, the coat of many colors Joseph! Talk about some dreams. In Genesis 37, you can read about Joseph's dreams. They were doozies. They were also prophetic! Joseph's dreams became his reality, but it was a long, hard and sometimes lonely road.

Though I would not dare compare myself to Joseph, when I was a teenager, I had some pretty grandiose dreams. Some dreams people share sound noble and self-sacrificing. Mine sound self-serving and audacious, even though I believe they were God-given. I often hesitate to share my dreams because of my concern for what others might think. Do you remember the response Joseph got when he shared his dreams with his brothers? Verse 5 says, "Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more." OUCH! Granted, there was plenty of hurt and emotion going on in the background before Joseph launched into his dream sharing. Nonetheless, dreams can be a fragile thing. When you share your dreams, they may be embraced and encouraged, or they may be mocked and disregarded. I have experienced both.

I feel like I have some things in common with Joseph. I have been in bondage (not sold into slavery), but held captive by lesser things. I have been falsely accused along the way by others who were in search of their own desires. I have been in situations or seasons of life that felt much like the walls of a prison. As of this day, my God-given life dream has still not come true. It has been almost 30 years since God birthed it into my heart. Sometimes waiting feels like a prison...

In the midst of Joseph's journey he was imprisoned for something he didn't do. But, "the Lord was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden." "Some time later," enter the chief cup-bearer and the chief baker. After interpreting the favorable dream of the chief cup-bearer, Joseph said, "But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharoah and get me out of this prison." All went well with the cup-bearer, but he didn't remember Joseph until two years later! I wonder how Joseph felt in that prison, waiting.

I wonder how often Joseph questioned the dreams he had as a seventeen-year-old. I wonder if he felt a fool for ever believing they might come true. I wonder if he felt selfish for having them because they elevated him above others. I do know this from reading Joseph's story; by the time his dreams became his reality, he was not the same man. Compare the dream-telling verses in chapter 37 to the identity-revealing verses in chapter 45 to see the wonderful transformation. He went from "my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it," to "God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance."

Joseph's dreams came true, but the actual reality of God's purpose for them was much greater than anyone could have imagined. So, as I continue to wait, I will worship and try very hard to learn the lessons God is teaching me on the journey. If my dreams ever do become reality, I suspect God's purpose for them is much greater than even I can imagine (and I have a great imagination)! Surprise me, Abba!