Life's Difficulties: A Chance to Grow

I have a desire to write. Yet, feel I have nothing to say. I have been through so much in the last few years of my life, but find it so difficult to express in words. The last three months of my life have been especially eventful.

In February of this year, we had to place my father in a nursing home. He had dementia, and had become incontinent. He had been living with my family for almost three years. As difficult as it was to put him in the nursing home, I really had no other choice. My mother, who has Alzheimer's was still living with us as well. Taking care of two parents with dementia while trying to homeschool my four children was becoming an almost impossible task. After my dad moved to the nursing home, his dementia seemed to kick into high gear, as did my mom's. Dad passed away on April 17th, after 72 days in the nursing home. Even though I know it was not my fault, there are incredible guilt feelings for having put him there. However, I am so thankful that he is now no longer suffering the indignities that came with that dreaded disease. He rests in peace with His Lord and Savior. I miss his smile.

Four days after my father's passing, my mom's dementia took a huge turn for the worse. I could see a change even in her eyes. It was the first time I had not been able to draw her back to reality. It seemed she had checked out. As difficult as it was, the next day, which happened to be my fifteenth wedding anniversary, I had to call 911 and have them come take my mom to the hospital. It was not safe for me to have her in my car, as she had threatened "to take us both out" if I were to try to take her to a nursing home. (My mother would never have done anything to hurt me in her right mind). Dementia takes that from people. April 26th, I had to place my mom in a nursing home. The next day our family hit the road for Oklahoma to hold a memorial service for my father.

Some days I still feel like I am in a fog straining to see ahead of me. Then the sun shines, and I breathe a deep sigh of relief for some freedom from the daily struggle with dementia. It is not completely gone as I still have to deal with the fact that my mom is half an hour away in a nursing home living in an alternate reality, but it is not a 24/7, 365 days a year reality. I am beginning to get back the rhythm of family life that was missing.

So, to those who are caregivers, I have walked that path, and feel some of your pain. Though our journeys are different, let us support one another through prayer and encouragement. To nurses and those who work with long term care facilities my hat is off to you for the job you do every day. I thank God for giving people the desire, knowledge, and compassion to care for those in need. I could never have been a nurse, and after caregiving these last three years have an even greater respect for those who are.

I know those were not eloquent words. All I know is, I needed to get some of that out. I am still a healing work in progress. Life is hard and full of things we would never have chosen. God knows best, and will teach us as we are willing to learn. To my Heavenly Father, I say, "My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak." You already knew that! Thank You for your eternal patience with me, and Your unfailing love that sustains me each day."

The New Journey with Beth Moore

In 2009 it was Scripture memorization. This year it is a journey through Beth's new book, So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us. There are about 6,000 women taking part in the weekly reading and "discussion". Already, I am excited to see the number of women participating, as well as the honesty with which they are answering the discussion questions. I am blessed to witness some very brave women stepping out of their comfort zones to find healing.

If any "Siestas" stumble onto my blog via the LPM blog, just know that I hold you in the highest esteem and pray that God will do a mighty work in each of our lives as we journey this road to security together.

My own struggle with insecurity goes way back to my childhood. Actually, I can't remember a time in my life when I haven't wrestled with it in some form or another. It has changed faces through the years, but it is most definitely a bad friend, no matter its disguise. The childhood days carried with it taunts about my big hair and being overweight. The teen years, much the same, added on the experience of rejection that became eerily consistent. My twenties allowed for a time of growth and healing in some areas, but deeper insecurity in others. I entered my thirties by getting married. Married life has made old insecurities resurface and given others a whole new platform from which to grow. Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Now I am in my fourties and I have four children added to the mix. God has been dealing with my heart for some time, but I didn't realize just how bad things were (in regards to insecurity) until I became a parent. Anger was the tell-tale sign that something was just not right. So, I began to go deeper with the Lord in search of an answer to why I was so mad all the time. That's when I began to see the pattern of rejection and failure that has been a constant companion for far too long. I have read many books, sought good Christian counseling, and talked to God often in my desire to heal and grow to be a secure woman. There have been break-throughs and break-downs and I am sure there will continue to be more, but I am not the woman I used to be. I am also not the woman I will become. That gives me hope. So here is a shout out to anyone who is dealing with insecurity. It is worth the effort to overcome. When you fall down or get knocked down, get back up. God is always there to give a hand. Actually, if you are His child he always has your hand anyway. Psalm 73:23 says, "Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand." If there were ever a thought to help with insecurity, maybe that simply profound phrase could help. You (the God of all creation) hold me by my right hand....

The Death of a Dream

Last night kicked off the new season of American Idol. You may hate the show or love it, but if you are like so many people, you watched it! My children and I did (hubby peaked in occasionally) and as usual found ourselves immersed in witnessing some people's dreams dashed to the floor while others got a burst of wind under their wings to allow their's to live another day.

After the show was over and everyone went to bed, I found myself restless, needing to write in my journal. The subject: dreams.

My own dream of one day being a singer, has died a thousand deaths. I have asked myself every question imagineable. Why do some people achieve their dreams so easily while others struggle? Should this even be my dream? Am I too old to still have this kind of dream? If there is a question to ask about my personal dreams, I'm pretty sure I have asked it. More than once. The problem is there are so many possible answers to each question. Our mood, the weather, other circumstances can cloud the answer on any given day. Separating fact from fiction, truth from lies, can take some serious concentration and lest we forget, much prayer. Laying it all before the throne is the best way to pursue any dream. So, I continue to wait. My dream may or may not be fulfilled this side of glory. However, the One who holds my dreams is also the One who molds them. So, if it is truly a dream that God has birthed in my heart, I will leave the details and fulfillment to Him. Easily said, but not always so easily done.

I Blew It!

I feel somewhat like Peter must have felt when he heard that rooster crow. No, I did not deny Christ three times but I caved in to my fear, doubt and disappointments. I agreed with my enemy that God's heart toward me is not good and now I feel like a traitor. With a voice of blame, I hurled accusations at God for not doing what He said He would do (because He has not done it in my time frame). I have cried. I have repented. Though I know good and well that I have been forgiven, I still feel horrible! In Luke's account of Peter's denial of Christ, chapter 22, verse 61-62 says, "The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly."

That first sentence is all it takes: "The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter." Hours after my meltdown the other day, I felt led to pick up the Oswald Chamber book, "My Utmost For His Highest." The devotion for that day started with this sentence: "Whenever a thing becomes difficult in personal experience, we are in danger of blaming God, but it is we who are in the wrong, not God, there is some perversity somewhere that we will not let go." It was as if the Lord was looking straight at me! My response was to immediately start looking back over what had transpired that day and asking God to walk me through and show me what specifically I needed to deal with. The first area for work is pride. That is a little broad, so I have been trying to really hear the voice of God for specifics. It is a humbling experience to come face to face with your sin. We don't really like to talk about sin these days, but it is what it is! Jesus gave His very life that we might be freed from it's clutches. Knowing I willingly chose to throw blame His way breaks my heart, and it should. I want to feel it in my marrow. I do not want to forget how bad it feels. I want to remember, so that I will not likely repeat it.

In the midst of my sorrow, God came again to whisper to my heart, words of comfort. The first from Proverbs 3:11, "My daughter (son), do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves as a father, the daughter (son) he delights in." The second in Hebrews 12:5b-6, "My daughter (son), do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a daughter (son)." Now, I need it to be clear that I did not go looking for those verses. God literally, led me to them. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it.

My tendency has always been to give up if I blow it. Not anymore. I have too deep a relationship with my Father to give up now. He has walked with me and talked with me so intimately, that I dare not give up this good fight of faith. It is definitely a fight, but one worth fighting. Peter sorrowed over his denial of Christ, but he did not quit. In John 21:15-17, we find the conversation when Jesus asked Peter three times, "Simon, son of John, do you truly love me?" Each time Peter responded, "Yes, Lord, You know that I love you." After each postive response Jesus told him to "Feed my lambs, take care of my sheep and the third time, Feed my sheep." Peter did just that. In Acts chapter 2, we can read the account of Peter addressing the crowd at Pentecost after the Holy Spirit had come.

I am not sure what is ahead for me, but I know that God has spoken some promises to my heart. He will do exactly what He has said He will do. In His time and in His way. My prayer is that I will be mindful of my own tendency to doubt and lean all the closer to my Savior's side as I walk this difficult path. Deliverence is on it's way. He told me so!