The Death of a Dream

Last night kicked off the new season of American Idol. You may hate the show or love it, but if you are like so many people, you watched it! My children and I did (hubby peaked in occasionally) and as usual found ourselves immersed in witnessing some people's dreams dashed to the floor while others got a burst of wind under their wings to allow their's to live another day.

After the show was over and everyone went to bed, I found myself restless, needing to write in my journal. The subject: dreams.

My own dream of one day being a singer, has died a thousand deaths. I have asked myself every question imagineable. Why do some people achieve their dreams so easily while others struggle? Should this even be my dream? Am I too old to still have this kind of dream? If there is a question to ask about my personal dreams, I'm pretty sure I have asked it. More than once. The problem is there are so many possible answers to each question. Our mood, the weather, other circumstances can cloud the answer on any given day. Separating fact from fiction, truth from lies, can take some serious concentration and lest we forget, much prayer. Laying it all before the throne is the best way to pursue any dream. So, I continue to wait. My dream may or may not be fulfilled this side of glory. However, the One who holds my dreams is also the One who molds them. So, if it is truly a dream that God has birthed in my heart, I will leave the details and fulfillment to Him. Easily said, but not always so easily done.

I Blew It!

I feel somewhat like Peter must have felt when he heard that rooster crow. No, I did not deny Christ three times but I caved in to my fear, doubt and disappointments. I agreed with my enemy that God's heart toward me is not good and now I feel like a traitor. With a voice of blame, I hurled accusations at God for not doing what He said He would do (because He has not done it in my time frame). I have cried. I have repented. Though I know good and well that I have been forgiven, I still feel horrible! In Luke's account of Peter's denial of Christ, chapter 22, verse 61-62 says, "The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly."

That first sentence is all it takes: "The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter." Hours after my meltdown the other day, I felt led to pick up the Oswald Chamber book, "My Utmost For His Highest." The devotion for that day started with this sentence: "Whenever a thing becomes difficult in personal experience, we are in danger of blaming God, but it is we who are in the wrong, not God, there is some perversity somewhere that we will not let go." It was as if the Lord was looking straight at me! My response was to immediately start looking back over what had transpired that day and asking God to walk me through and show me what specifically I needed to deal with. The first area for work is pride. That is a little broad, so I have been trying to really hear the voice of God for specifics. It is a humbling experience to come face to face with your sin. We don't really like to talk about sin these days, but it is what it is! Jesus gave His very life that we might be freed from it's clutches. Knowing I willingly chose to throw blame His way breaks my heart, and it should. I want to feel it in my marrow. I do not want to forget how bad it feels. I want to remember, so that I will not likely repeat it.

In the midst of my sorrow, God came again to whisper to my heart, words of comfort. The first from Proverbs 3:11, "My daughter (son), do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves as a father, the daughter (son) he delights in." The second in Hebrews 12:5b-6, "My daughter (son), do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a daughter (son)." Now, I need it to be clear that I did not go looking for those verses. God literally, led me to them. He knows exactly what we need, when we need it.

My tendency has always been to give up if I blow it. Not anymore. I have too deep a relationship with my Father to give up now. He has walked with me and talked with me so intimately, that I dare not give up this good fight of faith. It is definitely a fight, but one worth fighting. Peter sorrowed over his denial of Christ, but he did not quit. In John 21:15-17, we find the conversation when Jesus asked Peter three times, "Simon, son of John, do you truly love me?" Each time Peter responded, "Yes, Lord, You know that I love you." After each postive response Jesus told him to "Feed my lambs, take care of my sheep and the third time, Feed my sheep." Peter did just that. In Acts chapter 2, we can read the account of Peter addressing the crowd at Pentecost after the Holy Spirit had come.

I am not sure what is ahead for me, but I know that God has spoken some promises to my heart. He will do exactly what He has said He will do. In His time and in His way. My prayer is that I will be mindful of my own tendency to doubt and lean all the closer to my Savior's side as I walk this difficult path. Deliverence is on it's way. He told me so!

Suffering

I have so much on my mind and no one to talk to. So, here I am "talking" on my blog. To myself. Oh well! Sometimes just talking things out is therapeutic. I wrote a quote down one time that said, "Just because a message is not received, does not mean that it is not worth sending." I guess I am sending myself a message. I hope I get it!

Suffering is what is on my mind these days. When someone asks, "How are you doing?" Typically, I say, "Fine. Thank you, and how are you?" Then I think to myself, well that was not exactly truthful. However, who wants to hear, "Well, I am not really doing that well. My life is full of difficulties and I am sad." As soon as you answer like that, truthful though it may be, most people remember at that moment that they have something very important to do! I wonder if when I make it through this tough patch in life, I will be more patient and willing to listen to others who are suffering or if I will also be too busy. I wonder if I will notice when someone is just filling in their pain with, "I'm fine, thank you." At this point, only time will tell.

For now, this is what I know. I have always been afraid of suffering. In a way I have tried to run from it. I have tried to be a "good" girl, thinking that somehow if I was good that God would spare me from suffering. I cannot really explain where I got that idea, but there is still some very faulty teaching out there that leads people to believe that to be true. That is not what the Bible teaches at all (and I am talking about the whole counsel of the Bible, not just a verse or two taken out of context.) The reality is it rains on all of us (the just and the unjust). The difference is how it affects our lives. Now, more than ever I am realizing the presence of my God in ways that I never would have know were it not for the suffering. His Word has become increasingly dear and necessary to my heart. Is He a crutch? You can call it what you want. I know that He is my very Source for life. See, without Him the suffering makes no sense. In His hands, it becomes something beautiful. The enemy wants to destroy us through suffering and worse he wants to destroy our trust in God. It is easy to see how that is possible in the middle of suffering, unless you refuse to listen to the enemy and choose to trust God. Especially when that is the last thing you feel like doing. There are moments He could not feel more distant, that is when I know He is closest. So, I am learning not to trust my feelings. They are important and I will not ignore them, but they will not rule my heart. God proved His love for me once for all time when He sent Jesus. There could be no greater love. The kind of love that waits and even allows more suffering so that more can be gathered into His kingdom and heart. Even though He waits and suffering continues and sometimes seems unbearable, the day is coming when He will return to make it all right. So much so that we will consider the suffering of this life to be nothing. That is hard to imagine in the here and now, but God said it and He "is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?" (Numbers 23:19)

The Song of my Heart

As I sit here trying to type, I am listening to Mandisa sing "Broken Hallelujah". It is (right now), the song of my heart........ Here are the lyrics:

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
Oh Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Chorus

Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

Precious Lord,

You have broken my heart and it is Yours to break. You see, even though I do not understand all that You are doing, I know that You alone are God. So, I lift to You my broken hallelujah and thank You that You pick up all the pieces and turn them into something beauitful.